The Hidden Dangers of "Good Job!": Why Common Praise Harms Kids
Anastasia Galaiko
6
8-6Mia: We all tell kids Good job! or You're so smart! thinking we're building them up. But what if we're accidentally doing the exact opposite?
Mars: It's a really counter-intuitive idea. Psychology research is showing that these common, well-meaning phrases can actually backfire in some surprising ways.
Mia: So, you're saying that a phrase as simple as Good job! could be harmful? How does that even work? A vague compliment seems pretty harmless.
Mars: Well, that's part of the problem. It's so vague it becomes meaningless, like white noise. But the real issue is with what we call person praise, like You're so smart!
Mia: Right, the kind of praise that focuses on an inherent quality.
Mars: Exactly. It sounds great, but it can create what's called a fixed mindset. The child starts thinking, I am smart, and I have to protect that label. So they begin to avoid any challenge where they might fail and not look smart anymore.
Mia: Interesting. So they get stuck defending a reputation instead of actually learning. But what's the deeper impact here? Why does a simple compliment like you're so smart have the power to stop a kid from trying hard things?
Mars: It's because you've unintentionally tied their sense of self-worth to that label. Any situation where they might not appear smart feels like a direct threat to who they are. It's like their whole world is built on this one pillar. So, they start choosing the easy path, the one where they know they'll succeed, just to keep hearing that praise.
Mia: I see. So their focus shifts from the joy of discovery to just... seeking approval.
Mars: Precisely. The natural, intrinsic motivation to explore and learn gets replaced by a dependency on external validation. That's the real hidden danger of Good job! – it's not about the job, it's about what the child starts to crave from you.
Mia: So, this seemingly innocent praise actually shrinks a child's world, forcing them to play it safe to protect a label. How does this constant need for external approval then affect their sense of self-worth?
Mars: It can be pretty damaging. When praise is always conditional, like you only get it for a good performance, it sends a dangerous hidden message: your value depends on what you achieve.
Mia: So success means I'm worthy and failure means I'm worthless.
Mars: That's the trap. It's like saying, I love you *when* you perform well. This creates an unhealthy dependence where a child's self-esteem is completely tied to pleasing others. They stop developing their own internal compass for what feels right or what they're proud of.
Mia: And that dependency on outside approval must create some serious long-term issues.
Mars: Oh, absolutely. As they grow up, this can manifest as people-pleasing behavior, a crippling fear of failure, and a general avoidance of risk. Their entire sense of self is built on the shaky ground of other people's opinions.
Mia: That's a really heavy burden for a child to carry. So, how do we break this cycle? What are the more effective ways to encourage kids without falling into these traps?
Mars: The key is to shift from evaluating the person to appreciating the process. Instead of focusing on the outcome, you focus on their effort, their strategy, their persistence.
Mia: So, less You're a genius! and more... what?
Mars: More like, I saw how you kept trying different ways to solve that puzzle. That was great perseverance. Or I love how you experimented with those colors in your drawing; it makes the whole thing so vibrant. You're being specific and descriptive.
Mia: That makes sense. You're giving them a clear roadmap for what success actually looks like in action, not just a vague label.
Mars: Exactly. It shows them that their effort and their choices are what matter, and those are things they can control and replicate.
Mia: In all of these alternative strategies, which one do you think is the most critical for building a truly solid sense of self-worth in a child?
Mars: Hands down, it's offering unconditional positive regard. It's the simple, powerful message that you love and accept them no matter what. Whether they succeed or fail, whether they meet expectations or not, your love isn't on the line.
Mia: So that's the foundation for everything else.
Mars: It has to be. Without that feeling of safety, even process praise can be misinterpreted by a child as just another set of hoops they have to jump through to be worthy of your affection. Unconditional love is the safety net that gives them the courage to try, to fail, and to get back up again.
Mia: Right. Unconditional love is the ultimate backstop. So, if we boil it all down, what are the most important things for people to remember?
Mars: I'd say there are a few key things. First, generalized praise like Good job! just becomes background noise. Second, praising qualities like intelligence fosters a fixed mindset and makes kids fear challenges. Third, this whole system erodes their natural motivation. And most importantly, conditional praise ties their self-worth to performance, creating insecurity. The alternative is to focus on effort, be specific, express appreciation, and above all, let them know your love is never in question.